Neither certain nor uncertain 

I’ve been drawing a lot lately – a lot compared to a certain point in the far past – and I’ve been doing so with a mission. See I’ve been very uncertain as to the course of my life – my source of bread and butter- for two years I’ve been jumping ship and it seemed then certain I would plunge. I just couldn’t make up my mind as to what I should study. 

In 2014 I was a bridging course to do a degree in commerce the following year, I didn’t complete that. In 2015 I decided to go back to ’12th grade’ to improve my old school leaving results and I don’t feel it the results will be worth the time and money spent. The past is the past I guess. 

Now it’s the end of 2015 and I’ve applied for a diploma in animation, honesty I’ve made this decision partially blind. I mean it was quick, perhaps rash I can’t seem to be able to explain myself clearly – or perhaps I just don’t want to, part of me is writing for the sake of it and the other thinks it’s time energies were put into developing that writing skill again, one of the foundational thoughts that inspired this blog. 
So anyway, I’m going to be doing animation next year, I’m terrified, I suck at drawing, sure I’m better that your average Joe, but people who make such decisions have usually never skipped a day in their practice right? At least that’s what I think. I’m scared, so scared. I’m scared that next year might be a waste as well, that eventually my parent will lose faith in my long alleged clouded giftedness claimed by my primary school teachers and finally drag me back home by constricting my balance. 
I don’t know, I really wish I believed in myself more, but really I’m usually consumed by the anxieties of “perhaps I missed something that is fundamental to my understanding of (anything you can think of)”. I spend most of my time trying to rid myself of doubt and psychological noise, with the hopes of achieving the silence needed for ‘true essence’ to speak. 

I’d like to mention that I was not stressed in high school, or in Varsity College in 2014  and Star Schools in 2015, but I am terrified of what I’ll be doing next year. I’m hoping this fear means something, this fear in particular – not other fears I have.

I hope this fear is a guide to go towards instead of a warning against. I don’t believe anything is predestined not my career course at least so I guess that might go against the former sentence. But deep down I’m hoping it is written in stone, that would mean that it will be a breeze and require very little if any willpower and determination from me.

I think my fear is caused by my minuscule desire to express myself, that’s what art is all about right? Writing too. I feel I’ll suck at expressing myself. I know that sounded ridiculous to me too but I feel that way, I feel like I won’t be able to express myself the ‘right’ way or that expressing myself will be an uncomfortable and miserable experience. 
I think of Adventure Time as I write this, season 7 episode 12 to be exact when in short it was established that yes truly it is insane to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome, that it is indeed noble and superior -for lack of a better word- to live life making choices that point you to a void as the result, the unknown. 

I think I’m scared of the unknown too.

I’m sick of rendered lame. 
I’m gonna go watch Adventure Time now. 

27 April 2015 00:51

My girlfriend slept over yesterday, and a couple of hours into waking today we talked about much. WE conversed on South Africa and its current problems and our predictions on where it is going, based on what we understand/know about where South Africa has come from and where it is, and why.

During our discussion I realised two things – perhaps more by the end of this paragraph or even later by the end of this post; firstly I am very much in love with Layla. Secondly I have great regard and admiration for pre-‘freedom’ political intellects of South Africa (a couple in (formerly in) the ANC, Steve Biko) as well as international African counterparts  such as Frederick Douglass, Malcom X, M L King Jr., Marcus Garvey amongst other great names.

While we were talking I felt like I was talking sh**, there is so much I feel needs to be taken into consideration, that I have not, that would complete this picture I was/am trying to paint that saying anything seemingly definite was frustrating.

While we were chatting asked myself how I could be like the mentioned people, with regard to matters of the brain. How can I be that smart, as capable, knowledgeable, aware – basically I wand a mind like theirs if not better, an observant mind like theirs if not more so, a seemingly seamlessly absorptive  mind as theirs if not simply more porous than currently.

I feel/think myself quite limited, whether this is due to my belief or due to fact is beside the point. I want to better my mind.

I wondered how I too could cultivate such a mind/brain. My first or immediately second thoughts was to consult google, as I do, a lot, when I would like a solution to a question. Indeed I did, I asked google “How to be an intellectual” also “how to be a critical thinker” but I’ve already searched the latter but decided not to go through the results as I have before. The formers results were not very helpful so I opted to sitting down and figuring it out for myself.

I held my desire in mind and allowed whatever my mind would pull from memory/ether to my attention for analysis and consideration. What I am about to list is a short list of things I’ve definitely read before from different ends perhaps but they are what I took away from all that reading so here goes.

Bettering Ones Mind in Four (4) Steps:

(1) Do not believe anything at face value, assume its neither lie nor truth

(2) Prior to saying accepting something is true or not, ask questions about the statement(s) made as many questions as possible. Upon finding the answers (they too need to be questioned) and you can truly say the statement is true/false move on.

(3) Listen to people. The stress is on LISTEN. Then apply step 1 and 2 accordingly to find the value in what these encounters might harbour.

(4) Mindfulness. Meditate, practice the skill of directing attention. It’ll serve well in study and listening. So perhaps its interchangeable with step 3.

– I got a little distracted while I was writing this so the ending will not be very passionate, not much at all –

That is what I believe I need to do to realise my desire. An admirable mind.

A Sunday’s post….

I had an epiphany, it came about when I was in bed, while I was imagining myself in the garden doing something that I’ve forbidden myself to do, to smoke.

I was quite absorbed in this moment, it was so real, I reflected on my life in that figment. I took a drag, not like it was my last because I was an avid smoker then, I had potentially all the packs in the world.

I took another familiar drag and wondered at how much happiness I still possess. It didn’t feel like much. I wasn’t content with my findings.

I wondered again, this time at WHY I had so little rainbow and sunshine?

Of course I already knew why, else I wouldn’t have bothered to create an interesting start, setting to this finding.

I am not happy because I keep comparing myself to others, I was reminded of this while I was scrolling through twitter and noticed how my happy-container was being sapped at. The feeling I get when I’m on twitter, its like I’m there to see what others are doing that I am not, its like I am on it to see what I should be doing. Every time I take something away to do, to be like everyone, I give away some of my happiness. I give it away to a bottomless pit.

So while I’m out here in this figment I take another pull to reduce the negative feelings I got due to this elaboration, this added realisation.

I feel like I’ve been wasting my time, I haven’t been doing what I’ve wanted to do. Of course one of my excuses is that “I never knew what I wanted to do”, it would be an invalid one. Your gut always guides. I just haven’t been following it – this might be true or this might be something I’m saying because it ties in with the previous sentence, this then opens the possibility that both these guesses presented as solid possibilities  might be flawed.

“Enough wasting time” I think to myself and whoever else might be able to hear my thoughts.

“What’s the conclusion” I pose against me and the unseen audience.

“Obviously, its stop comparing yourself to others, stop assuming that what they are doing is what you need to be doing”

The solution seems solid, workable. It seems right.

“But I’m sure, I’m certain, I know that you’ve come to this conclusion before Sechaba”

I’m certain there are at least 2 entities in this space now.

“How will I make sure I stick through this?” I thought ‘aloud’

“By remembering that your happiness is on the line, and that why your miserable is because you keep on further embedding this habit” said the needless to be named other.

“Just promise you’ll try, that you will consider your happiness – as well as identity that I haven’t mentioned before – as more important than anything external.”

“I promise I’ll try to be happy”

“That means you’ll stop comparing yourself right? That you’ll be concerned more about you than anything/one else correct”

“Yes and yes it does”

“How you’ll sustain a smile I will not force you to list right now, but you will find ways off the record. You promise?”

“Yes I promise”

Looking without…

African_Lion_King

Hello 🙂

One of my close friends is rapping now.

He suggested that I try it too, that it’s quite easy.

I laughed when he suggested that because I’d done so too sometime last year.

We were walking down his street, from his house, I’m not sure where we were going, but I’m sure we were walking. I’m certain we were talking about hip-hop, A$AP Rocky in particular, I think we were either listening to an instrumental of one of his songs or a particular song of his with the lyrics.

No matter. As we walked I got the idea that maybe we should rap too, that if we start then we would be +moderately skilled by now. I suggested we go about it by playing a little game, or something of a game, i.e. I’d point at an object and he would take that word and play with it, rhyme with it. You know. And when he ran out of lines to spit he would choose an object and I would do the same.

He laughed at the idea. Look now.

It’s a tad bit frustrating, it’s nice to do things with friends. And the fact that he’d started this without me and long before, touched me a little.

Still, I wanted to even though I felt left behind. I downloaded some instrumentals and I even bought a 192 paged note book to write rhymes in. I wrote and wrote and after a collective of 3 or so pages over a sum of 2 or less days, the book acquired another purpose, I was writing other things in it aside from rhymes and soon I stopped rhyming entirely.

I felt like shit. I thought of the progress my nigga was making while I was falling more and more behind. I attempted to write to make myself feel better but something else I needed to do before doing what I intended appeared and eventually I got caught up in that and never got to it

The thoughts and desire for writing had vanished.

But then I got tired of feeling like shit, so I evaluated my ‘desire for poetic skill’ and why I wasn’t going about bringing it to fruition.

I asked myself “Do you intend on being a rapper one day Sechaba?”

I’d answered myself long before I finished uttering the question in the confines of my mind.

“No I do not”

“So then why do you feel bad about not committing to writing in such a manner then Sechaba?”

That I don’t remember the then answer to, but if I asked myself once more I’d retort

“I don’t know, its habit I guess, maybe it’s cause I lack direction?”

Lack direction huh?

For a good deal of my life I’ve spent much of my time wondering who I am and what my purpose is, I still do just not as frequently and I do it now out of habit than any other reason now. Anyway.

I’d get caught up in anything and almost everything, because in my head life would take me in the direction of my destiny, that means my mind changed a lot and I might have stressed my parents out when I changed my mind about what line of study I’d choose. My days have been quite troublesome.

Anyway, the same thing seemed to have happened soon after the suggestion, and my mind changed once more, but I’d already wasted time, money effort and a bit of my happiness.

I’m sick of being taken by the wind actually, more so now than ever. Not that it’s been happening frequently, it’s just that as I get older the more frustrating it gets when it does happen, you know?

When such happens it takes away from my sense of direction and peace of mind. If I was certain about what I want to do with the rest of my life I wouldn’t be so easily swayed right?

But then I can’t lie, I am not certain where I’ll end up though I know where it is I want to land up, but I’d been at peace. I was going to go in this direction and I would turn if I felt the need to, I feel like what happened just stalled me some more.

Let me sum things up before I ramble.

I want my actions to be of me and by me. I want them to be based on my thought and consideration, I don’t want to be doing things because someone else is. I want to be my own person, that’s what I’m trying to do. I’m trying to take into consideration what I think and feel and no-one else input.

Rapping is not for me, and I’m glad I know, but it sucks that I had to find out though the suggestions of someone else. It’s as though I don’t know myself well enough to have long thought and tried.

That’s all.

Sharing a little

I am an INFP (a personality type) but I’m also a guy. Terrible combination.

 

Why?

 

I am at a point in my life where I would like to be true to myself (I’d like to say 100% true or even completely true, but its either you are or you are not). I mean that I would like to open up about how I feel or my thoughts, exactly.

 

Whats stopping me?

 

Expectations, they litter our paths in life and I am ashamed to say that I have read some of these scraps of paper and I have taken to heart some of the orders, no matter how conflicting they are with my SELF.

 

So here I am, young and conflicted, I can’t see why I am in a state of the latter, but I guess its common of the former.

A sustained state of conflict because I am not sure if the step I would like to take is a good idea, of opening the flood gates of what I see as giga-liters (I know there is no such measurement, volume wise) of repressed mashed emotion and thoughts, I mean why would I consider that? Its not manly, its not attractive right? How does one expect to please the evolutionary induced needs of a woman when one has such intense feelings as well as insecure thought? hahahaha dammit

 

The other step would be to hold on to all these things repressed, to continue to squeeze unlimited things into a convenient-sized container, does that sound like a good idea to me? No. I think its ridiculous to even consider it, but I consider it nonetheless.

 

Woe is me. hahahaha. So scared of opening up.

Into the warmth…

Image

 

 

Hi.

I haven’t shared anything in a real long time. This won’t be much of a post either. Its short and to the point-ish.

My intentions are for the next few posts to be way more centered around me, they will be about me in their entirety (it could be argued that all ones posts are fundamentally about him/her).

These past few weeks I’ve been enthralled in certain types of genres – if we can call it that- when it comes to the material I’ve been reading, the mix consists of philosophy, spirituality, psychology and history. Memory says change – or the beginnings of- came after reading a portion of a book that analyses and explains the work of Friedrich Nietzsche followed by a quick look over Carl Jung and Psychoanalysis.

I’ve decided to do some internal looking as well, I would like to be more familiar with myself, as the lack of acquaintanceship between me and I is sorry, very awful. Aside from ‘starting’ this relationship, what I really want is to genuinely come to terms with all of me. 

If I didn’t say it before I’ll say it now, clearer, the next few post will be (not strictly) analysis’ about my shortcomings and all, you might have no particular interest in my life, but I feel like giving a ‘heads-up’ anyway.

 

Bye 🙂