I’ve been drawing a lot lately – a lot compared to a certain point in the far past – and I’ve been doing so with a mission. See I’ve been very uncertain as to the course of my life – my source of bread and butter- for two years I’ve been jumping ship and it seemed then certain I would plunge. I just couldn’t make up my mind as to what I should study.
In 2014 I was a bridging course to do a degree in commerce the following year, I didn’t complete that. In 2015 I decided to go back to ’12th grade’ to improve my old school leaving results and I don’t feel it the results will be worth the time and money spent. The past is the past I guess.
Now it’s the end of 2015 and I’ve applied for a diploma in animation, honesty I’ve made this decision partially blind. I mean it was quick, perhaps rash I can’t seem to be able to explain myself clearly – or perhaps I just don’t want to, part of me is writing for the sake of it and the other thinks it’s time energies were put into developing that writing skill again, one of the foundational thoughts that inspired this blog.
So anyway, I’m going to be doing animation next year, I’m terrified, I suck at drawing, sure I’m better that your average Joe, but people who make such decisions have usually never skipped a day in their practice right? At least that’s what I think. I’m scared, so scared. I’m scared that next year might be a waste as well, that eventually my parent will lose faith in my long alleged clouded giftedness claimed by my primary school teachers and finally drag me back home by constricting my balance.
I don’t know, I really wish I believed in myself more, but really I’m usually consumed by the anxieties of “perhaps I missed something that is fundamental to my understanding of (anything you can think of)”. I spend most of my time trying to rid myself of doubt and psychological noise, with the hopes of achieving the silence needed for ‘true essence’ to speak.
I’d like to mention that I was not stressed in high school, or in Varsity College in 2014 and Star Schools in 2015, but I am terrified of what I’ll be doing next year. I’m hoping this fear means something, this fear in particular – not other fears I have.
I hope this fear is a guide to go towards instead of a warning against. I don’t believe anything is predestined not my career course at least so I guess that might go against the former sentence. But deep down I’m hoping it is written in stone, that would mean that it will be a breeze and require very little if any willpower and determination from me.
I think my fear is caused by my minuscule desire to express myself, that’s what art is all about right? Writing too. I feel I’ll suck at expressing myself. I know that sounded ridiculous to me too but I feel that way, I feel like I won’t be able to express myself the ‘right’ way or that expressing myself will be an uncomfortable and miserable experience.
I think of Adventure Time as I write this, season 7 episode 12 to be exact when in short it was established that yes truly it is insane to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different outcome, that it is indeed noble and superior -for lack of a better word- to live life making choices that point you to a void as the result, the unknown.
I think I’m scared of the unknown too.
I’m sick of rendered lame.
I’m gonna go watch Adventure Time now.